Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
