btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Pants are for mortals
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
