Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
