I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
