Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
