i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Randomize
