i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
