I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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