atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
