My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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