your parents love me but you hate me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
