I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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