he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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