I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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