Someone shit on the floor
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
