Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
