I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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