y did u give ur computer a hand job?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
