how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
