Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
