I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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