end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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