Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Did I show you my penis last night?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
