Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize