wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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