We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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