I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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