Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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