I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
