i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
