I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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