ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
