i think my tv is drunk
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there was a trapeze. enough said
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
