he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
