god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
