My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
