I hate your face
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
