I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
