no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't want my vagina anymore.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
