and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize