His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
