Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
