The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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