im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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