I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
