my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
