Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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