I hate your face
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
