everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize