I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
