In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
