This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
