i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
