Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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