I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
