She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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