i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize