who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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