I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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