Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
