It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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