So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
