hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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